i have been less than frequent
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Sunday, December 13, 2009
2:52PM
wanting to live at the base of a mountain.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
3:53PM
it's not as if new york city burnt down to the ground once you drove away
it's not as if the sun won't shine when clouds up above wash the blues away
are we breaking up? is there trouble between you & i?
did my heart break enough, did it break enough this time?
here's to all the pretty words we will never speak
here's to all the pretty girls you're going to meet
am i breaking up? is there trouble on the line?
did your heart break enough, did it break enough this time?
oh, it feels good to be free.
betrayal is a thorny crown, you wear it well, just like a king
revenge is the saddest thing, honey i'm afraid to say, you deserve everything
am i breaking up? are we breaking up? did your heart break enough this time.
oh, it feels good to be free.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
12:21AM
i'm sick of telling myself that actions speak louder than words.
at least my new cat will snuggle me tonight.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
11:25PM
lies are no fun.....
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
9:42PM
my birthday was good, lowkey & exactly what i wanted. it included, but not limited to: birthday brunch with mama mercedes (& guests), fort building, sunning, dinner on waterfront patio, champagne drinking on the beach until 4am, oh, & my new favourite quote "i want to hump in your birthday fort"
things are so good i walk down the street with an unstoppable grin on my face. it's fucking stupid, i feel like there's something wrong with me when really, for the first time in a long time, i am overwhelmingly happy.
oh & i'm moving downtown in a month. woo!
Friday, April 3, 2009
2:48PM
new pet peeve: gross condiment lids/caps
Monday, March 30, 2009
2:47AM
one of the most comforting things to me is laying in bed in the morning, dozing in & out of sleep with the sound of someone showering.
it reminds me of when i was a little girl & used to crawl into my mommy's bed at 6am when she started getting ready for work. just laying there in the dark, cozied up.
best feeling in the world.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
5:07PM
so, um, ya, this is weird & i don't understand & it's not okay.
it reminds me of a time when i overheard a phone conversation on the bus: "he ended our relationship on facebook! he's totally breaking up with me, i have to go, i have to call him & break up with him first"
lolarious.
motivation is very hard to come by right now. 17 days. why can't i buck up & just deal with crunch time? nope, not rachelle's style.
i think there's mold growing in my empty fish tank. my friends just got this huge tank with brazillian fish that requires a certain salinity level & temperature. i kill goldfish. like, one a month. i'm jealous of other people's aquatic skills.
fresh pack of belmonts.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
12:16AM
my life is measured in awkward moments. trust me, it's worth it.
i lost my job & that doesn;t help my chances of NZ. I did, however, update my resume & buy computer paper to print off said resume so that's a step in the right direction. we're all in denial if we think that the US economic climate isn't affecting us.
i need to clean my fishtank & buy a new goldfish.
as much as i thought age was an issue, it's not. that was my only defence against getting in over my head & i'm afraid that now i may sabotage things. i really don't want to. really really don't want to.
i know i used to say that i hope psychology will save me from myself, but now i realize that it is children. i'm a teaching assistant to a gr. 3/4 class & they brighten up my week. the ground me, center me, calm me & everything good in the world. i love them.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
6:25PM
doing an inventory on my posts, it seems like i tend to post whenever i go home (or apres a trip home)
so here it is.
i'm back in victoria (i swear it's monsoon season, fuck) after my christmas vacation at home. family was refreshing but my brothers are growing up too quickly for my liking.
one noteable part of my trip home was that i finally grew a pair & stood up for myself. i didn't allow him to walk all over me & it felt great. but now it only feels lonely. do i regret it? no, never. but not having my other half to call when i have a bad day is a difficult adjustment.
this was my theme song for my trip home.
for a second there i thought you disappeared,
it rains a lot this time of year,
& we both go together if one falls down,
i talk outloud like you're still around
& i miss you,
i'm going back home to the west coast
i wish you would've put yourself in my suitcase
i love you
i'm standing all alone in a black coat
i miss you but i'm going back home to the west coast.
bot tonight i think i'll be staying here,
& you never did like this town
i talk aloud like you're still around
you said we both go together if one falls down, yeah right.
& i miss you, i'm going back home to the west coast
Monday, December 22, 2008
9:48AM
i need new zealand.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
1:58PM
i've gotten frighteningly good at (pretending) to be emotionally detached from things.
i've also somehow managed to never be alone. ever. & i'm an advocate for learning to be happy alone & only needing yourself for fulfillment. but when i'm mulling it over & being brutally honest with myself....i'm never alone. i will state the obvious & conclude that this is why i hold on to old relationships.
i don't know where this entry was going.
i'm feeling vindictive.
Monday, November 3, 2008
9:59PM
how did you & i of ALL people end up in this situation?
i don't know, but we're in, & we're sunk.
i don't mind sleeping on a matress with no sheets, nor do i mind his dry contact lenses crumpled & sticking to my palm when i slam off the alarm clock in the morning because it's worth falling asleep beside him & waking up to his kisses on my neck.
goodbyes are the worst & i know this feeling all too well. sigh
Sunday, August 10, 2008
10:05PM
i smile at the people who work at mcdonalds as a form of suicide prevention. i worry about them.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
5:43PM
oh god, goddamnit, i think i've lost you.
flared tempers, revenge, let's see who can hurt the other more- and GO! i've stopped counting fuck yous at this point. given up. i think a clean cut would be best
i wonder who's forgotten about me?
someone recently told me that in the past 2 weeks i have become guarded, distant, unempathetic & on edge. i think that when you see true pain, loss & heartbreak it changes your perspective of what things are decidedly important. new meaning to the phrase "don't sweat the small stuff"
i also haven't legitimately cried since coming home
Sunday, June 22, 2008
6:37PM
sometimes, this place gets fucking lonely.
Monday, May 26, 2008
1:50PM
oh, and if it seems like an accident or a collage of senselessness then you weren't looking hard enough.
Monday, May 19, 2008
2:09PM
home came & went & it felt like everything happened in the third person. i'm not even quite sure if i was ever really there, i hope i was, but tears shed are nothing but water under the bridge now.
infatuation bounds into my life & grabs hold of everything at an intangible speed, i can't think straight, i act funny. i can almost feel fingers gripping the skin of my shoulders trying to shake some sense into me & rattle me out of the dashboard confessional haze i'm in. it's a heavy sigh, it's disenheartened, it's nostalgia for something that just happened mere hours ago & it's just flat-out fucking crazy.
i promise i'll snap out of it in a couple days, i swear i swear.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
11:55PM
"let's watch a movie" is soooo code for let's make out high school style.
i guess it still works while i'm still a teenager.
love it.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
10:16PM
for someone who ached so badly to get away from ontario, i am surprisingly homesick right now. i keep booking flights, changing my mind, changing the dates, extending my stay, making it come sooner.
but why sooner when it feels like my life is just whizzing past, faster than i can grab hold of anything & make a meaning out of it?
for the first time in a long time i feel helpless & vulnerable. i might fall victim to failure & i don't deal with that very well.
i've been eating strange things like brown rice with mayo & garden salads with mustard. i hope to one day be able to afford to satisfy my palate, cause right now i'm barely satisfying my appetite.
i think by aspiring to be a psychiatrist i hope to figure myself out along the way. what's the point in telling other's what's wrong with them if i can't even get a grip on my own shit?
do shrinks have shrinks?
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